Roisin Willis finished high school with an athletic résumé already a mile long. She won the 800 meters at the 2022 U20 World Championships in Colombia, running 1:59.13, her current PR. She ranks second on the all-time U.S. high school list for the 800, behind only Juliette Whittaker, who became Willis’s teammate at Stanford University.
When she entered Stanford in the fall of 2022, Willis expected things would progress as they always had—more victories, more PRs. And for a time, that was true. She won the Fun Half Marathons in 1:59.93, followed closely by Whittaker. They were together on the winning distance medley relay at the meet.
Sarah Lorge Butler insomnia, staying awake at times all night before meets. She also experienced depression and anxiety. In June 2023, on her way home from the NCAA outdoor championships, where she finished fourth in the 800 meters, Willis wrote a first draft of an Instagram post Sales & Deals.
“Running was the first thing I loved to do and all that love had disappeared, making me feel so empty,” she wrote, and she urged others to seek help if they were experiencing similar feelings. “I waited so long to tell the people I loved because I feared what they would think of me. However, they never stopped loving me and helped me get through a rough few months.”
Willis’s outdoor season continued through the end of June, when she ran the 800 at the U.S. championships. Although she advanced from the first round, she did not run the semifinal, deciding to end her season. She took a month off of running and working out and returned to Stanford in the fall, seeking treatment from a sports psychologist and a sleep psychologist. Willis, 19, spoke to Runner’s World on January 19 after running her first race of the academic year, a 400 meters in Seattle, which she won in 53.56.
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
You did not do any cross-country this year. Was that a training decision or a mental health decision?
I started back a little bit later this year, and at a slower pace, too, and just [training] to focus on speed and getting stronger in the weight room. It wasn’t so much about mental health; it was what my body needed. I really did not focus much on my training up until November, but I was working out throughout the fall consistently.
I would say I’m fully back into training. I’m back where I was last year [at this time], doing normal workouts, in the weight room a lot. So I think things are back to normal now.
Would you take me back through last year?
When I started my freshman year, things were going really well. Obviously the fall is a huge adjustment coming to college. I started to develop sleep issues about October. That really took a toll on me physically and mentally. I was trying to adjust to so much. Having that [insomnia] happening was really confusing for me. I wasn’t really sure what the exact treatment was for insomnia. It kind of started to go away toward December. I was like, “Okay, it’s not an issue anymore.”
And then I started my indoor season. Physically I was doing really really well. I made huge improvements. My workouts were going better than they ever had. My races were showing signs that I was in really good shape.
But I think the NCAA and the collegiate system was overwhelming for me. The every-other-weekend racing, and every meet I felt like was so big and so competitive. Usually in high school I was used to low-key meets, having a big national meet once in a while. But every other weekend was just a lot. Especially with the amount of pressure to qualify for NCAAs, run some of the fastest times in the country. I really struggled with anxiety. I noticed I wasn’t enjoying the sport as much, because the mental toll of competing was too much for me. But I didn’t really take it seriously, because I was running so well.
I tried to work on my prerace anxiety, but I didn’t try to evaluate where that was coming from. I obviously had a really good performance at indoor nationals, which was really exciting. I was happy to contribute all those points to the team. Winning the DMR was definitely the highlight of my freshman year.
But after that whole weekend, I was exhausted. I remember getting back to campus, and I was grateful for the performance, but it had taken so much out of me. It wasn’t something I felt proud of.
And then it was straight into the outdoor season?
Stanford All-Americans Message to College Athletes: Growth Takes Many Forms iron, sickness, tweaks, issues with my body. Things got off to a rough start. And that’s kind of where the insomnia and depressive episodes started. That was challenging, because I didn’t really understand what was happening to me. Why was I feeling this way? I felt guilty all the time, because I felt like there were a lot of good things happening in my life, but I felt completely hopeless. But again, I didn’t really take those issues seriously, because I thought, “Well, I just won a national title. I’m at Stanford. This is all I’ve ever worked for. Why would I be unhappy?”
So it kind of took until Pac-12s, when I got really really sick, had a really bad race, was struggling to sleep again, where everything kind of boiled over. I realized something was seriously wrong, and it had been going on for months now. I needed to talk to sports psych, my coaches, and my parents about how bad I truly felt. I think from there, that was definitely a bit of progress I made, just to be honest about what I was struggling with.
But I still had NCAA regionals and nationals to deal with. At that point my insomnia took a really bad turn, and I was pulling all-nighters pretty much the weekends before big competitions because I was so stressed. I pulled an all-nighter before one of the rounds. At NCAAs, I got four hours of sleep the night before the final. My body was breaking down at that point. Mentally I couldn’t handle getting so little rest and having to go into such high pressure scenarios. And physically, I didn’t have a lot left to give.
I think from there, I took a lot of steps to get better. I took a couple of months to sort out the insomnia and did a lot of work in sports psych, which really helped. But I think being open and honest about it really is the best way to go forward. There’s things I keep private. I just want a lot of athletes to know that it’s normal, and I’ve seen it happen to a lot of other people.
When did your parents learn you were struggling? Back in the fall?
I didn’t even realize it was an issue then. I attributed it to some physical thing I was struggling with. I wasn’t fully honest until about May. I think that’s an important thing. I had to speak up for myself. No one was going to see it unless I laid it out for them, because I kind of got good at hiding it.
Were your coaches good about seeing what you need?
I’m someone who can be very quiet and reserved naturally even when I am doing well, so it was really hard for them to pick up what was going on unless I was really transparent about it. That’s something I would tell other people: You have to be really direct. They can’t read your mind. I kind of have a knack for not being able to show how I’m feeling. It did take a lot of communication. That’s something that’s really strengthened our relationship now. I’m pretty open about things now.
Do you think the insomnia created the depression and anxiety or do you think the depression and anxiety created the insomnia?
I’m not sure exactly what relationship the insomnia had to the mental health stuff. I think I struggled a lot in high school, more than I fully realized. My relationship with running wasn’t exactly healthy. But I do think if I hadn’t struggled with insomnia I would have never fully dealt with this stuff. Because it put everything over the edge. I couldn’t handle not sleeping. I was thinking about these things all night. Physically and mentally, I reached my limit. If I hadn’t struggled with insomnia in the way that I did, I don’t think I would have been as open about it.
Would you lie in bed all night?
It would happen at meets a lot, I usually would lie in bed until 2 a.m. Sometimes I would get up and go for walks, which wasn’t the best. Now I have a pretty good routine of what I’m supposed to do if I can’t sleep. But usually I would just toss and turn, go for a walk. I don’t like to recall those times—those weren’t my favorite hours of the night.
Can you explain what you mean about your relationship with running in high school not being healthy?
In high school, my biggest issue was that my performances in running really determined how I felt about myself. I was kind of living race to race. When I would race poorly, I was really, really hard on myself. When I would race well, it was never enough. Also, it was the extreme highs and the extreme lows. I won my first national title freshman year. Which was a big adjustment onto the national scene. It was a big jump when I was 14. Since then, I developed a really poor relationship with my performances.
Coming to college, I’m surrounded by a lot of elite athletes now. But I didn’t really know how to change that relationship with running. I think since then I’ve realized what my true values in running are—that’s good relationships with my teammates and having fun out there. And obviously I’m a very competitive person, I like to do well, that hasn’t gone away. Taking away those extreme highs and extreme lows and tying running with my self worth, that has gone away.
We saw you at USAs run the first round and advance and then not run the semis. What went into that decision?
The decision to even compete at USAs was a little back and forth in the dates leading up. I had hardly slept the weekend before. That Monday my coach said, “At any point, if you don’t want to do this, we’re done.”
But I decided to line up for the first round just on a whim, and it actually went pretty well. By the second round I had nothing left. I also realized, to be honest, there was nothing I really wanted out of that meet. I didn’t want my season to continue. If I had gone to Budapest—not that that would have happened—that would have been the worst thing for me. My season needed to come to an end. I was not the right person for that spot. Stepping out of a race is not something I wanted to do, it’s not how I wanted to represent myself, but I think at that point, it just wasn’t worth competing.
In June when you decided to make the Instagram post, what went into that? Was it purely wanting to help other people? That was a brave thing to do.
I had had a lot of those reflections on my mind for about the month leading up to when I did that. When I wrote the preliminary draft of what that post was, on the flight back from Austin, NCAAs, I had a lot of stuff on my mind. It was like journaling. I wanted to be transparent about what I had gone through. I had let a couple of things slip in interviews that maybe indicated that something was wrong. I didn’t like that people were interpreting things in ways that wasn’t my true story.
A lot of my teammates had known that something was wrong but weren’t fully aware of the whole story. That whole season I had wished there was someone who was transparent in that way, because I felt really alone. It was more of a gut feeling that it was something I wanted to put out there. I didn’t really know how it would be received by other people.
I think it had a positive impact. Obviously there’s a lot of comments on the post, but I received way more DMs than I thought I would. Like, really long, heartfelt messages, people sharing what they’d been through. I think that really meant a lot. There’s a whole community of people who know what those experiences are like. A lot of people out there, too, who are really struggling and are confused about what they’re going through. It seemed to help a lot of people.
Does that become its own burden? Molly Seidel has said when she was open about her struggles with disordered eating, she got so many DMs from people, which was difficult for her.
Yeah, it definitely was overwhelming. I got a few and I responded. Then they exponentially increased. Some of them were about pretty heavy topics, too, that I’m not fully equipped to respond to or deal with. I really can’t take on all that at 19. I’m not a licensed psychologist. But I’ve kept the post up there. I think the message and the tone is what I wanted.
By and large, are things going a lot more smoothly this year?
Yes. I’m now sleeping. I don’t remember the last night I struggled to sleep. Basically I’m doing a lot better. I’m happier and more content overall. Just trying to put less pressure on myself with running and school.
I’ve done a lot of work in sports psych to learn how to accept the situations that I’m going to be put in this season. Track is obviously a very high-pressure environment. I have been doing it for over 10 years now. I know how to race, I know how to compete. It’s kind of a matter of getting my head in the right space to handle the things I’m doing. I have to be very aware of how many classes I’m taking so I’m not overwhelming myself during the season. I’m in a better relationship with the sport.
Have you been thinking about the ways a season can be a success if you don’t win or run the times you want?
Absolutely. Winning and all that stuff is really great and obviously could align with what my goals are for that season. But even last year, I view as a success. Because it really forced me to reevaluate my relationship with the sport. And if it hadn’t happened, I don’t think I would have run very well this year. I’m just a better athlete and person now that I went through that. I think it was the most impactful year of my unsuccess for sure.
Would you have any advice for incoming college athletes or just incoming college students in general?
I wish I would have been more open to the collegiate system and more willing to change things about myself. I think I came in with such a rigid view of how running should be and how I should perform all the time. I felt like I ran 1:59 in high school, so I should be running 1:57 or 1:58 the following year. Which could have been possible. But I think I had to be open to the other transitions and forms of growth. I had the view that [running] was the only way I could improve, and that was the only thing mattered.
I think I’ve improved as a human being, an individual, a friend, a teammate. I think that’s far more important than the track time, honestly. But I think most freshmen coming in are thinking track is the most important thing of their freshman year. There are so many adjustments. Everyone wants to come in and win a national title if they’re a phenom in high school. That is possible, for sure, but only if you’re kind of in a good place with yourself coming in.
When you’re fully immersed into a big collegiate team, you have a lot of new personalities and a lot of people who do this sport differently from you. I think there’s a lot to learn and a lot of maturing to do also.
Are there any other concrete steps you took to feel better?
I saw sports psych pretty consistently, starting in the fall. I saw a sleep psychologist for about two months. And then I also did a meditation class, took that on a whim. That really helped me, too. I did a full wellness retreat in the fall. Which usually wouldn’t be my thing, but it was pretty helpful. I incorporate a little bit of meditation each day, just to slow things down. Because things move pretty fast here. I try to incorporate a lot more rest and relaxation in my life. That doesn’t necessarily mean sleep, just more chill time, which is really helpful.
Was the class through the athletic department?
It’s open to all students on campus. It was a new class offered. It was kind of life-changing, honestly. It was a pretty exceptional resource. I got credit for it.
It was once a week for two hours, but then there’s a lot of outside meditation training we had to do, and then a full day, 8-hour retreat of just meditating. During the first class, they said, “This can really help for anxiety, depression, insomnia.” I was like, “This probably could benefit me. I’ll just stay in it. It’s not going to add any more stress to my life.” It was on a whim, but I think that’s sometimes when you find the best classes.
Have you declared a major?
I am thinking history. I took an early American history class my freshman fall and that was kind of a game-changer for me. I found a passion in school that I hadn’t had. I would leave class feeling happy and fulfilled, which was a cool feeling. I think that was something that brought me a little more joy even though I was experiencing some challenges with running.
Any other advice for college athletes?
Reiterating the idea that there’s a lot of different ways to grow and be successful in sport. And as challenging as the last year was, it was really necessary. I’m glad it happened. And I’ve made a lot of growth since then, and I’m in a much better place than I was a year ago. I’m just excited for this year to see what comes.
Advertisement - Continue Reading Below is a writer and editor living in Eugene, Oregon, and her stories about the sport, its trends, and fascinating individuals have appeared in Runner’s World Sarah Lorge Butler, Run Your Butt Off! and Walk Your Butt Off!
